[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius