Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
man i love columbo
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are