A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work