[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
oh u like geography? name every lake
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Breaking news:
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.