yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Breaking news:
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Employees must applaud the planets.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R