Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
(Musicians.)
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.