Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Pizza is an emotion right?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind