What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight