If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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I never needed anything more in my life
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..