I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.