Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
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If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this