today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.