A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.