Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
#Caturday
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying