Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
accurate
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos