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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs