When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
You Might Also Like
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.