I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
my fav colour is also hitler
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”