I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
this is 10/10 content no notes
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
A double negative is a big no-no.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]