Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
they really do be looking like this
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away