It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I ate everything, including the H.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!