me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.