instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Weighing up my bread heating options
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this