[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.