Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
😎 🍻
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up