Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me