Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
mariah carrie
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!