Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
My love language is hissing.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what