Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.