Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
You Might Also Like
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.