Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Ironic
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.