People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
You Might Also Like
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!