The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
You Might Also Like
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Krampus.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window