“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Botany good plants lately?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT