cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
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*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
saving face 👀
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*serious situation*
My brain:
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation