:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
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5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.