I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.