You Might Also Like
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
meanwhile over on facebook
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.