When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
If you know, you know 😂🚔
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you