Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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decorating my apartment
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The USS B port
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks