My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children