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My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
not to brag, but mine was free
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
this is the best day of my life
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.