[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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Nose
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.