They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
You Might Also Like
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My daily affirmation
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*