Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
The Sun
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat