My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me