A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.