Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
You Might Also Like
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I don’t get marriage
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!