ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
me, too, girl. me, too.
👾👾👾
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
(Electricians.)
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.