when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Before & after 😅
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.